Again and again and again and again??

Someone recently told me not to look for motivation elsewhere, it has to reign within oneself. One has to be "self motivated" i heard. That let a whole rummage of thoughts racing through my head. Let's think about it. About all things that motivate me to wake up every morning and say to myself "What a beautiful day!!"

I hate myself for waking up past ten everyday. And I hate my work that forces me to such treason, all the more. I hate my mom for never having a problem with her only first kid going wanton in her ways. I hate missing the smell of fresh coffee every morning, with the sound of the crispy newspaper running through dad's hands. I hate to not smell the fresh morning air, free from all obscenities of the day.

Before I proceed any further, let me clarify. If you are flinching everytime you read the word 'hate' here and wonder why I am using such a strong word, trust me. When I say i hate it, I mean I HATE it.

So like I was saying. I hate what I have made of myself.I want to have a never ending collection of music with me. Am not biased and I need a range from ancient hindi and tamil movies to the latest in alternative rock, and make sure I have everything that happened in between. I want artificial intelligence to read my mood at any point in time and play me the most appropriate. I hate myself for the meagre amount of music I listen to. I hate myself for listening to the same songs every time I do listen to them.

I hate myself for the minimal amount of time I spend with my guitar these days. I look at Switch and hate myself all the more.

I want to read. Read everything I can get my hands on. Like I said, I have never been choosy. I wanna read everything that was ever available and still remain thirsty for more. I hate myself for never finding enough time to pick something up from a local library; for never finding support enough to pick up everything I want to from the local bookstore. I will one day, I know, but I hate myself today for the inadequacy.

I want to get a little drum kit for myself and learn to play it all on my own. Want to see myself sit there and play my heart out everytime I wanna express my frustration on this big bad world. I hate myself for not having the guts to do that. What happened to all the drive I used to have??

I want to own those little Bose speakers I saw in the showroom. Want to have a sound room of my own, with a complete A-V experience set up, topped up with a few bean bags thrown around. Inadequacy beats me here as well, for I know it wont fit my pants right now. All for the day I wait for.

I want to travel, far and wide, deep into that untreaded land. I want to tour with a great bunch of friends and I want to backpack all alone. I want a mind that decides between the crave for solitude and the want for a group that understands when I want my space. I want a intellect that manages the desire to explore abroad and the need to be patriotic in my ideas. I want to make sure that every single holiday is utilised in my meeting my real self and I hate every saturday that I spend at home.

I want stability, sincerity, honesty and dependability in things in contact with me. I want people around me to stand up and raise their voice against bureaucracy. I hate every single person who shuts up just to be the nice one and walk over me.

So tell me. None of these things I want seem to be available for takes in the near vicinity. And they talk to me about Self motivation?? To better it what do I have instead? A tag that reads The revolt, a look of scorn on all faces the minute I talk and smirk and a smile of triumph on all those who chose to change their ways to go ahead. What do I do? I eat the same food every day, I see the same people come rain and storm, I go to the same places everyday, I catch the same bus to office everyday, I sit and warm the same chair everyday, I numb my brain to the same extent everyday, I give myself the same amount of headache everyday and I go back home with the same amount of frustration everyday.

What's new? That is my constant question. In every conversation I make, in every thought I think and in every think I care to spend a moment on. When we were in school, a new period every hour was a change. In college, a new treat every week was a welcome change.
And now?? Predictability is killing me. The same sun rising over and over again is killing me. The same set of code I look at and relook at is torturing me. The same bunch of out-of-wavelength people I meet everyday are making me run.

What am I expecting?? I dont know. Something that is not already there. Something that I would least expect. A sudden call from somewhere that transports me to a totally different world..?? A teleporter that takes me back in time?? Or into the future maybe..?? A bomb blast in the neighbourhood, where I was there helping those people live a life, maybe?? A pair of glasses to change the same face I stare into every morning..?? A fracture in my leg that makes sure I limp to office for the next four months, for a change??

Dont make those weird faces and get the impression that I am a loser of all sorts...But I am serious...Mundaneness is Killing me..

8Two

i think ive fallen down from grace..

something's really wrong with me...

my head spins round at a steady pace...

my mind will not get free...

u tell me i am not the one...

u tell me i have done no good...

all that you say can be done..

my mind can it be understood...

i think ive fallen down from grace..

Smudged the picture of me i painted...

i stand with no longer a face...

all life and passion is tainted...

PS: March end - Depression sets in. Great thanks to a friend from workplace for coming up with the title. Kill Me!