I dont know if its the effect of the Paulo Coelho that a friend gifted recently.. But the last few days, i have been thinkin a lot..Now what was contained in that process is a tough choice..for there was a turmoil...a storm raged..where a million things were thrown in and out at the same time....
I remember days in school when i used to have clear dreams...I saw myself with a scalpel and blades, masked and gloved, working intently on the body in front of me...Now I wonder if thats where my destiny really lay..for I do nothing remotely related to my dream now...and I still dont repent it...So to say..I dont see myself doing that in my dreams any more...
A little later in college, I had dreams...There I saw myself lost...but sitting calm..in the midst of the lush jungle...a lens in my hand...trying to be god...one with the other creations I was...and those showed a fearless me...one not bogged down by worries of life...But yes...those dreams were there every night...they meant some thing..
Now, i sleep...and dont dream...the last time i remember waking up in the middle of the night, staring at the pale moon barely visible in the distant sky, praying for the dream that had woken me up to turn true, was a distant memory in the past..Thats when i think...Have I lost insight to life at all...
I had read that dreams are potholes to the future...others claim that they are a depiction of our heart's innermost desires...But mine are blank...Does that mean
I've lost touch of the future..? Or has my heart stopped wanting..?
Caught up in all the mondane activities, that make every day similar to the previous and no different from the next, I think..about what I had been and what I have become...
Quite well timed was this news that the friend shared with me...I had read it myself too..and sat there stunned for more than a mere minute...Every person who had been a somebody in NIT trichy, would have heard of Sidin Sunny Vadukut...An under grad from NIT to a post grad from IIMA to a fat pay check in those hot shot, sought after job profiles...he had it all needed for that typical lifestyle....So when he proclaimed to all who where even a little interested that he was quitting all this to chase his dream of writing, many were left thinking...
I was left wondering what had happened to my dreams...And I found the answers almost immediately...they had been right there, within me...waiting for an exit...So the next question was, when would that be...? When will they take over the control of my life from all the other trivial acts..?
Not right now I know...But pretty soon...For there will be one point beyond which your dream will push you till the end...take you past all negativities...
And it is that very juncture in life that I am waiting for..! So do a lot of us I know...
21 February 2006
13 February 2006
The NDA experience...
It was a lazy cold mornin in Pune..That place somehow made me more lethargic than normal; made me feel like one who hadnt seen sleep in days and the last thing on my mind was to sacrifice the warmth of the bed for good. So it had been with great resolve that I had dragged myself out at half past six in the mornin.. That proved to be an ordeal with the me having gotten easily acquainted to the US general shift timings...
The chill of the shower pricked every patch of skin..and that wash got me out of the sandman's world at the very first touch...I wanted to slow the process as much as possible..delay activities to their limits...earn some more time...for what lay ahead dint interest me one bit...
As much as I respected my uncle's interest of showing off the pride of the Indian Armed Services, I was totally against the idea of making a place of education equivalent to a museum or a theme park..I pictured the scene of me in shorts, rushing through the hostel corridor to attend to early morning commitments, and accosted midway by a bunch of strangers staring into rooms and our personals, like we were show pieces trapped in cases..Thats why the idea of spending a sunday afternoon, in NDA totally dint amuse me..
Life takes time to give total control and a lil respect to you. Till then you are a mere puppet, ruled at day and tranforming into the ruler of your little world in the dark; lying mighty on the bed, and commanding respect from the creepy insects. I was the listener, and so I had sat quietly staring out of the window on our journey.
All through the trip , I could hear God talk about his numerous attempts as a young blood to get into the academy and be a part of the bunch that saves the country. He spoke of all the nights he and his likes had spent, discussing their dreams and all the days that they had spent in the physical training required for the entry. He had cleared the written twice I heard, but lost at the next level; Lost his dreams, given them all up to lead a mere mortal life, paying taxes and worrying about the rising prices and complaining about the little you could do to change the country, just like any other samaritan.
I respected the speaker then; for it was the voice of somebody who had atleast visioned a dream and worked for it at some point in their life.
And it was that dream that i saw him relive the minute we entered the NDA territory...Statements prodded visitors to know the amount of efforts put in by these soldiers at war..Asked us to remember the martyrs and the sacrifices needed for us to sleep cosy at home...
A spark lit at a lost corner....
The bright gold inscription of NDA welcomed us heartily into the vast bounds of the National Defence Academy...I had no words...The first stop was very aptly planned...the auditorium, for a screening of a movie on the NDA...45 minutes later, I repented having lived this long...For I had realised no purpose in life till date...I had had a glimpse of men, who at the prime had decided to do what they exaclty wanted to...Degrees to add to their list dint mean anything to these hearts that beat with a purpose to represent the country in all spheres...Its a different issue that they walked away with similar degrees too...
The movie had talked of the amount of discipline that is imbibed...the routine that becomes a way of life at one point...the amount of valor needed to stand physical exhaustion and not run away..It spoke of the warriors who had left the campus bounds and made the country talk of them....it dealt with a glimpse of their complete routine..through 3 years, 6 semesters of training in the lines of imprisonment..rigourous to its limits..
I couldnt think of one thing that they had missed out in their curriculum that bridged the need to make a perfect man..They had it all..So that when they passed out, they walked a level apart...
It was a humbling experience...it made me realise that grades wouldnt take us anywhere..that a 5digit pay wouldnt take us anywhere...for those who are and had at some point been here, lacked all that but had it all....
It made me sad for not being capable in some aspects, else I would've tried(explanations you might call..!!)...I could imagine the kind of bond that is built between souls that shared torture together..hearts that beat together, when running fully loaded in the lifeless country side that was the route of their 5day trek...muscles that wreathed in pain when jumping through barriers with guns that weighed more than what they could....The faces showed a oneness in them all...They had been through it all..and had been survivors....
I drove back in silence....an awakening...the rising that hurt..!!
Long live those men..!!!
The chill of the shower pricked every patch of skin..and that wash got me out of the sandman's world at the very first touch...I wanted to slow the process as much as possible..delay activities to their limits...earn some more time...for what lay ahead dint interest me one bit...
As much as I respected my uncle's interest of showing off the pride of the Indian Armed Services, I was totally against the idea of making a place of education equivalent to a museum or a theme park..I pictured the scene of me in shorts, rushing through the hostel corridor to attend to early morning commitments, and accosted midway by a bunch of strangers staring into rooms and our personals, like we were show pieces trapped in cases..Thats why the idea of spending a sunday afternoon, in NDA totally dint amuse me..
Life takes time to give total control and a lil respect to you. Till then you are a mere puppet, ruled at day and tranforming into the ruler of your little world in the dark; lying mighty on the bed, and commanding respect from the creepy insects. I was the listener, and so I had sat quietly staring out of the window on our journey.
All through the trip , I could hear God talk about his numerous attempts as a young blood to get into the academy and be a part of the bunch that saves the country. He spoke of all the nights he and his likes had spent, discussing their dreams and all the days that they had spent in the physical training required for the entry. He had cleared the written twice I heard, but lost at the next level; Lost his dreams, given them all up to lead a mere mortal life, paying taxes and worrying about the rising prices and complaining about the little you could do to change the country, just like any other samaritan.
I respected the speaker then; for it was the voice of somebody who had atleast visioned a dream and worked for it at some point in their life.
And it was that dream that i saw him relive the minute we entered the NDA territory...Statements prodded visitors to know the amount of efforts put in by these soldiers at war..Asked us to remember the martyrs and the sacrifices needed for us to sleep cosy at home...
A spark lit at a lost corner....
The bright gold inscription of NDA welcomed us heartily into the vast bounds of the National Defence Academy...I had no words...The first stop was very aptly planned...the auditorium, for a screening of a movie on the NDA...45 minutes later, I repented having lived this long...For I had realised no purpose in life till date...I had had a glimpse of men, who at the prime had decided to do what they exaclty wanted to...Degrees to add to their list dint mean anything to these hearts that beat with a purpose to represent the country in all spheres...Its a different issue that they walked away with similar degrees too...
The movie had talked of the amount of discipline that is imbibed...the routine that becomes a way of life at one point...the amount of valor needed to stand physical exhaustion and not run away..It spoke of the warriors who had left the campus bounds and made the country talk of them....it dealt with a glimpse of their complete routine..through 3 years, 6 semesters of training in the lines of imprisonment..rigourous to its limits..
I couldnt think of one thing that they had missed out in their curriculum that bridged the need to make a perfect man..They had it all..So that when they passed out, they walked a level apart...
It was a humbling experience...it made me realise that grades wouldnt take us anywhere..that a 5digit pay wouldnt take us anywhere...for those who are and had at some point been here, lacked all that but had it all....
It made me sad for not being capable in some aspects, else I would've tried(explanations you might call..!!)...I could imagine the kind of bond that is built between souls that shared torture together..hearts that beat together, when running fully loaded in the lifeless country side that was the route of their 5day trek...muscles that wreathed in pain when jumping through barriers with guns that weighed more than what they could....The faces showed a oneness in them all...They had been through it all..and had been survivors....
I drove back in silence....an awakening...the rising that hurt..!!
Long live those men..!!!
24 January 2006
Of Shouts and Noises...
It had been a sad awakening..another monday had come and i had survived through my dire temptation to quit....it was tuesday....and God had to get me through this day...sometimes i found tuesdays more frustrating than mondays...neither at the beginning, nor at the end, stuck in eternity, it was a day as confused as i was...
Morning washings done, I slowly descended the mount to get lost in the crowd; a sound hit my ear deep hard...It was my watchman..in strong argument with the municipal corp workers..they'd decided to bless our community with a concreted road, and feigned God...My guard dint like it obviously...but the abuses that followed..were a torture to the ears..There was a heated discussions, with references to one's mother and sister and all kins possible, every nanosecond..Not one seemed to stop and all the world but me seemed to be enjoying the early morning show of one's vocabulary.
I mentally shut my ears and walked over to the bus stop...was it me or was the area noisier than usual today..? Bus arrived, swarming with school kids...and a fresh load of ear ache for the likes of me...the sound they generated...a buzz of the bees..or worse..the irritating gnawing drone of the mosquito by your ear, that wakes ya up..rather throws ya out from a much wanted sleep..God seriously, why me...?
Life was testing my ability to mentally turn deaf...and today i was being very bad at it...Half through my journey to work, a sudden shout emerged from the dusty backyard of the bus...and a return fired from somewhere closer..Oh no..not another irritated passenger, practising his list of abuses on the conductor..! But yes it had to be...The strange language, seemed stranger to my ears, with these men shouting hard at each other..A shower of expletives i believe..and i somehow felt drenched in it...What was happening..?
I had second thoughts of returning home..with such a beginning, nothing great could happen to my day anyway..!
Down and away from the never ceasing fire of shouts, i ran for cover to an auto...Swearing at myself for ever living to see a tuesday, I disclosed my destination and rested myself for the first time in the whole morning...Peace..!
And i was thrown out to reality with a jerk...Not another repeat please...! The driver of the car and my dear auto driver seemed to be enjoying themseleves, doing this...at the mid of the traffic junction...with all forms of traffic surrounding them from all directions, they were busy in their throw of rage at each other..Each claimed that the other had defaulted and they themselves were The God of traffic rules incarnate....Help me someone...Nothing more embarrassing than your vehicle getting caught in such a plight and you being the center of all this..Passerbys seemed to stop, get the matter of the situation in, stare into the auto at me, like i was the sole reason for all this happening, give a dirty stare and walk away..
Please let me die now...
I was totally lost in my own thoughts, searching for whom exactly i had woken up seeing, and was it from the left or the right side of the bed that had resulted in such a day. I woke up to a driver staring at me with a look that pushed me out of the auto at my office. Paid up...
And ran into my office like my tail was on fire..It was true to some extent...coz there were all the voices still screamin in my head...swearing abuses at god knows who...Into the lobby..Hit the lift...Settled at the cosy corner...and ran out into the 5th floor....and...Peacee..!!
What if the silent humm of the machine sent weird pricks at my ear...?What if the hard and hasty taps on the keyboard echoed to the end of the long hall..?What if the buzz of the AC and the occasional roar of the coffee vendor left me puking for a change...this was Bliss..!
For life was not one of Shouts and noices...
Morning washings done, I slowly descended the mount to get lost in the crowd; a sound hit my ear deep hard...It was my watchman..in strong argument with the municipal corp workers..they'd decided to bless our community with a concreted road, and feigned God...My guard dint like it obviously...but the abuses that followed..were a torture to the ears..There was a heated discussions, with references to one's mother and sister and all kins possible, every nanosecond..Not one seemed to stop and all the world but me seemed to be enjoying the early morning show of one's vocabulary.
I mentally shut my ears and walked over to the bus stop...was it me or was the area noisier than usual today..? Bus arrived, swarming with school kids...and a fresh load of ear ache for the likes of me...the sound they generated...a buzz of the bees..or worse..the irritating gnawing drone of the mosquito by your ear, that wakes ya up..rather throws ya out from a much wanted sleep..God seriously, why me...?
Life was testing my ability to mentally turn deaf...and today i was being very bad at it...Half through my journey to work, a sudden shout emerged from the dusty backyard of the bus...and a return fired from somewhere closer..Oh no..not another irritated passenger, practising his list of abuses on the conductor..! But yes it had to be...The strange language, seemed stranger to my ears, with these men shouting hard at each other..A shower of expletives i believe..and i somehow felt drenched in it...What was happening..?
I had second thoughts of returning home..with such a beginning, nothing great could happen to my day anyway..!
Down and away from the never ceasing fire of shouts, i ran for cover to an auto...Swearing at myself for ever living to see a tuesday, I disclosed my destination and rested myself for the first time in the whole morning...Peace..!
And i was thrown out to reality with a jerk...Not another repeat please...! The driver of the car and my dear auto driver seemed to be enjoying themseleves, doing this...at the mid of the traffic junction...with all forms of traffic surrounding them from all directions, they were busy in their throw of rage at each other..Each claimed that the other had defaulted and they themselves were The God of traffic rules incarnate....Help me someone...Nothing more embarrassing than your vehicle getting caught in such a plight and you being the center of all this..Passerbys seemed to stop, get the matter of the situation in, stare into the auto at me, like i was the sole reason for all this happening, give a dirty stare and walk away..
Please let me die now...
I was totally lost in my own thoughts, searching for whom exactly i had woken up seeing, and was it from the left or the right side of the bed that had resulted in such a day. I woke up to a driver staring at me with a look that pushed me out of the auto at my office. Paid up...
And ran into my office like my tail was on fire..It was true to some extent...coz there were all the voices still screamin in my head...swearing abuses at god knows who...Into the lobby..Hit the lift...Settled at the cosy corner...and ran out into the 5th floor....and...Peacee..!!
What if the silent humm of the machine sent weird pricks at my ear...?What if the hard and hasty taps on the keyboard echoed to the end of the long hall..?What if the buzz of the AC and the occasional roar of the coffee vendor left me puking for a change...this was Bliss..!
For life was not one of Shouts and noices...
04 January 2006
And a new year comes in...
Another new year has come..and gone..It is a newer year, with a newer me, in a newer place and newer people around. But there is something about it that never changes, the essence; The feeling of a new beginning that never fades year in and out. It brings with it an opportunity for improvement, room to clean up the messes of the year that went by and make up for all those dirty deeds of the past.
I always overflow with a new sense of energy every new year, strange thoughts run through my head and wonder if thats why everybody comes up with resolutions on the new year, coz they feel it too.. And I presume the level of insanity increases too, coz my list of things-to-do overflowes with the unimaginable.
This year saw some new year resolutions formulated in the deep dungeons too. To list a few, there was a resolve to buy a new guitar and try my hand at it come rain or storm. And there was that one that did something about chewing and biting more humane things than what was happening now. The one to beat was this thing about putting an extra watch on the exercise schedule and burnin down those impossibles. I went to extremes on deciding to get the forms ready and start saving India from all its shitty politics and hypocrisy. That couldnt be beaten by anything else.
Another big in the list that I intend to keep up with was the one about being more regular in Blogging, seem to be getting a hang of it and am liking it too. So the obvious would be for me to continue in the positive. Another thing that I wanna take up this new year is the fire inside for photography. Unlike other times were I've been treating much talked about interests as nto my kind, this seems to be really catching me up, come what may. So wanna go ahead and do something about it.
Published some of my pictures online recently, at Devilsaid Pics. Will keep updating.
Continuing with the new year mood, I also got real frustrated this new year, thanks to the city that i live in. Mumbai seems to be one place where the rich and poor alike know what they want to do and do just that. As I sat at home, with family and a good friend, I realised that I fit not one bit in this city. For here I was sitting at home, while the million others in the city roamed the city streets haywire and partied till dawn. Now I cant decide which side I'd rather be in but I just dont fit I know. It wasnt very bad though. A ride out in the night at 12 and an icecream treat after that was quite a start to the new year, i wont disagree.
I donot know whether life is any different now in the new year. Its the same viscious cycle of code, deploy, bug fix, requirement analysis and code. But the prospect of a new year is sure the sign of new hope, to start a fresh start
I always overflow with a new sense of energy every new year, strange thoughts run through my head and wonder if thats why everybody comes up with resolutions on the new year, coz they feel it too.. And I presume the level of insanity increases too, coz my list of things-to-do overflowes with the unimaginable.
This year saw some new year resolutions formulated in the deep dungeons too. To list a few, there was a resolve to buy a new guitar and try my hand at it come rain or storm. And there was that one that did something about chewing and biting more humane things than what was happening now. The one to beat was this thing about putting an extra watch on the exercise schedule and burnin down those impossibles. I went to extremes on deciding to get the forms ready and start saving India from all its shitty politics and hypocrisy. That couldnt be beaten by anything else.
Another big in the list that I intend to keep up with was the one about being more regular in Blogging, seem to be getting a hang of it and am liking it too. So the obvious would be for me to continue in the positive. Another thing that I wanna take up this new year is the fire inside for photography. Unlike other times were I've been treating much talked about interests as nto my kind, this seems to be really catching me up, come what may. So wanna go ahead and do something about it.
Published some of my pictures online recently, at Devilsaid Pics. Will keep updating.
Continuing with the new year mood, I also got real frustrated this new year, thanks to the city that i live in. Mumbai seems to be one place where the rich and poor alike know what they want to do and do just that. As I sat at home, with family and a good friend, I realised that I fit not one bit in this city. For here I was sitting at home, while the million others in the city roamed the city streets haywire and partied till dawn. Now I cant decide which side I'd rather be in but I just dont fit I know. It wasnt very bad though. A ride out in the night at 12 and an icecream treat after that was quite a start to the new year, i wont disagree.
I donot know whether life is any different now in the new year. Its the same viscious cycle of code, deploy, bug fix, requirement analysis and code. But the prospect of a new year is sure the sign of new hope, to start a fresh start
01 January 2006
Workplace of a new Kind.
It was a lazy November Saturday when around 15 of us from the SupportCentral Team decided to loosen up and spend some time together outside the office. 8am (pretty early for us in the general shift!) saw a few of us desperately waking the rest up to reach Destination Malad on time. Food was picked up from the canteen and carried over to ensure we never missed out on that.
We rode autos to reach Marve Jetty, to catch the steamer that would transport us to our Final Destination - Manori Beach. We missed the steamer by a minute and thought what better way to spend the delay time than with a game of beach volley! After a quick game to get us on our feet, we sailed over to Manori to Domonica's resort, where we had a room booked to dump all our belongings and rest our souls after the trip.
The minute we set foot on Manori we felt like we'd crossed boundaries and walked into a totally new world, untouched by the modern rat race and unaware of the mad city rush. Tall coconut trees lined the mud roads, and fish dried on road ends; koli women caught up with their whining children while their men toiled tough with the fish. It seemed worth every minute.
In the resort, we started out by winding down and danced our mid day to whacky numbers from the latest movies blasting out. The Ronaldos and Ronaldinhos were compromised in the football game that followed. The day also saw us walking around aimlessly in the lovely resort, some more dancing and playing the weirdest games any one could conjure up. The best part was us lying soaking wet in the beach, cooling the heat off. Some of us relived those lost childhood days, playing 'Shop', 'Four Squares' and the likes.
Never before had food tasted that fine, for we were exhausted after all the dancing and playing. We served ourselves enough to last the day through. There was a second round of games and a lazy walk on the beach post lunch. As the sun slowly found home near the end of scope, our minds relaxed with the silent lashes of the sea, thoughts wandering somewhere near the horizon.
All through this, time flashed by and we failed to realize it till it was time to leave. We retraced, back to reality, with an enriched mind and a rejuvenated body, ready to take on everyday life with a stronger zeal.
We rode autos to reach Marve Jetty, to catch the steamer that would transport us to our Final Destination - Manori Beach. We missed the steamer by a minute and thought what better way to spend the delay time than with a game of beach volley! After a quick game to get us on our feet, we sailed over to Manori to Domonica's resort, where we had a room booked to dump all our belongings and rest our souls after the trip.
The minute we set foot on Manori we felt like we'd crossed boundaries and walked into a totally new world, untouched by the modern rat race and unaware of the mad city rush. Tall coconut trees lined the mud roads, and fish dried on road ends; koli women caught up with their whining children while their men toiled tough with the fish. It seemed worth every minute.
In the resort, we started out by winding down and danced our mid day to whacky numbers from the latest movies blasting out. The Ronaldos and Ronaldinhos were compromised in the football game that followed. The day also saw us walking around aimlessly in the lovely resort, some more dancing and playing the weirdest games any one could conjure up. The best part was us lying soaking wet in the beach, cooling the heat off. Some of us relived those lost childhood days, playing 'Shop', 'Four Squares' and the likes.
Never before had food tasted that fine, for we were exhausted after all the dancing and playing. We served ourselves enough to last the day through. There was a second round of games and a lazy walk on the beach post lunch. As the sun slowly found home near the end of scope, our minds relaxed with the silent lashes of the sea, thoughts wandering somewhere near the horizon.
All through this, time flashed by and we failed to realize it till it was time to leave. We retraced, back to reality, with an enriched mind and a rejuvenated body, ready to take on everyday life with a stronger zeal.
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