It was quite an awakening today...felt that total ease of mind that i hadnt felt in years...! well actually that means i just cant remember it..! It was another lonely bed...a lonely house...yet...the peace was a big wow..!!
It had been quite a yesterday...had a lot of fun with the guys...all the teasing and yip yappin reminds me of college...then there was the visit from god..! With all the push and hype(like I'd said) it was a nothing...he was real down to earth..fooled his way into our hearts...liked his oration though the content was quite contrary to what i believed in...work surely took a second fiddle to me when it came to life...
I had decided today was the day...to do what i wanted to do right away...for there might not be a tomorrow at all..and i don want to be standing there with my If onlys....Weird philosophy i know..but yeah..thats the awakening i was talking about..
Have decided to leave my fingers alone from today....It has to be someday...today all the more better....I even walked into the book store i always wanted to....got the details straight...will be goin back soon i know....
Jay's mail was quite an eye opener...i realised all that rested on me when God's gonna give up on life...I dont want it now..coz i, as always, feel am not ready for it...I can see the effect of age..on the body, the mind, the temper....everythin...and am preparing myself for the worst...for when it happens...i dont wanna sit there cryin like a house wife...Jay was lucky..Dubai has it all...they serve their patients like 5 star hoteliers....India is still craving...we still have a lot of paper work and verbals going in before i can find the real medics....Gotta be prepared for a lot, i realised...Its gonna be tough lettin God know his short comings....but somebody has to...And like she said..its better to be safe now than sorry tomorrow....
There's a weird sense of imbalance in me today..that same feeling i used to have back in school..sitting waiting for class to get over so that i could get my hand wet in the paint and glass....pretty soon..!! compose you little mind...calm down..!!
14 March 2006
09 March 2006
Frustrating Friday..!!
Woke up this mornin with a heavy head...Now Now..dont let your mind go racing..This had nothin to do with any spirit i could have consumed last night or with any act of sin i would have performed to get through it...My body seems to have gotten into this weird routine these days, of throwing tantrums with all possible dirty symptoms, if not given that blissful eight hours of peace....
And the sudden burst of shower this mornin made sure that today's part was lost....Thus the heavy head....Heavy with a million things moving around in a confused state of affairs....
Trip to Freedom:
The plans finally confirmed to the point where i got my tickets into and out of freedom...And i wonder what the big deal is...its a bunch of friends that i want to go back to..so why all this hullahoo...of not letting me go..and then beg and bug...to eventually go with a baggage of taunts to carry along..! I missed my long lost freedom the most in these few days of struggle...
Fuedality:
It wasnt a family related one for a change....Friends turned foes...Now i dont mean something that should get the picture of two of us throwing things at each other...or shouting abuses at the other...swearing to god never to voice a conversation ever again...it was a disagreement over the mondane...that turned into one pointing fingers at the other...that never returned to normal ever since...there was this excessive flow of sarcasm that reached its heights....left a caustic taste in the tongue..still running rough waters now...
Stage Play:
Sometimes I feel that the world could do a lot better without all the hype...Pick up any issue...and it has to be followed by a beat of all the extras...start from the meakest film star visiting your locale..to a rockstar blessing the place...There's always a fan fare attached to it that frustrates the normals....And unimaginable is the nonsense created by ones around the main subject....While he would rather prefer a peaceful, "i am human too and anythin is fine with me", image, its the ones polishing his show that throw out the picture of The Man, who just landed from his trip to the moon...God..!! All this drama and stage play for a normal client visit...
The baby :
The pleasure one gets at the sight of innocence is such a heaven...What if it is a mere picture of a darling...e-tranferred by another...
My hands itch for a hold of this blessing...Waiting in quiet to hold the beauty...
Well.. I agree life goes on...with all its positives and negatives....pluses and minuses...and all those opposites that one can think of...
And the sudden burst of shower this mornin made sure that today's part was lost....Thus the heavy head....Heavy with a million things moving around in a confused state of affairs....
Trip to Freedom:
The plans finally confirmed to the point where i got my tickets into and out of freedom...And i wonder what the big deal is...its a bunch of friends that i want to go back to..so why all this hullahoo...of not letting me go..and then beg and bug...to eventually go with a baggage of taunts to carry along..! I missed my long lost freedom the most in these few days of struggle...
Fuedality:
It wasnt a family related one for a change....Friends turned foes...Now i dont mean something that should get the picture of two of us throwing things at each other...or shouting abuses at the other...swearing to god never to voice a conversation ever again...it was a disagreement over the mondane...that turned into one pointing fingers at the other...that never returned to normal ever since...there was this excessive flow of sarcasm that reached its heights....left a caustic taste in the tongue..still running rough waters now...
Stage Play:
Sometimes I feel that the world could do a lot better without all the hype...Pick up any issue...and it has to be followed by a beat of all the extras...start from the meakest film star visiting your locale..to a rockstar blessing the place...There's always a fan fare attached to it that frustrates the normals....And unimaginable is the nonsense created by ones around the main subject....While he would rather prefer a peaceful, "i am human too and anythin is fine with me", image, its the ones polishing his show that throw out the picture of The Man, who just landed from his trip to the moon...God..!! All this drama and stage play for a normal client visit...
The baby :
The pleasure one gets at the sight of innocence is such a heaven...What if it is a mere picture of a darling...e-tranferred by another...
My hands itch for a hold of this blessing...Waiting in quiet to hold the beauty...
Well.. I agree life goes on...with all its positives and negatives....pluses and minuses...and all those opposites that one can think of...
02 March 2006
Replay.....
It was another one of those times when you felt life was in the replay mode...
It was the same village...mounted high up in the hills...With the smell of the heavens oozing out of every street....People looking very affable...waiting to serve u at the cost of their lives...Those up hill and down hill travels were all too familiar for words...
There was the same monsterous weapon of mass destruction..it had haunted me the previous time....I was wrong to have wished it gone now...coz it was back...Howling the lives out of innocent visitors...these rickshaws knew no fear...autos that decided the fate of their passer bys...They hadnt changed...
The man's face was a distant memory...but this one sent back shivers....there was that weird feelin within that was tellin me to warn my companion...to remind him that it was wrong...to let him live back the then when it had all happened....to tell him to get out...before it was too late....
We sat snug in the vehicle...the driver looked up at the heavens and laughed....my heart began to beat harder...i felt that crunch that sucks your soul out of you..i could feel it comin any minute....
And there it was...I knew it..it happened....as it had the last time...The squabble broke out from a nothing...I hadnt remembered why the last time too...but it was worsenin...and the final blow..that sent him flying out of the rick...
What happened next and how i reached him is a distant memory...i cant get down to the details in my head...but as i knelt and looked down on him...lying there helples....with blood oozing out from the face that had lit up the life in me....i lost it all...
I panicked for starters...Here was my life, lying there wounded, hurt, most probably because of me..and i wasnt doing anythin....i looked around...the all so pleasant mountain village dint seem half as inviting now...walker bys stopped to stare at the mass of bleeding flesh that lay below...and seemed to care the least...i could see backs turnin to us and walkin away...what was wrong...? wouldnt somebody help a hurt in this world..?
No..! i was not gonna depend on others to save this man lying here...It took no herculian effort to mount him in my arms...and i ran....god knows where though....Throughout my run for life, i peered down into those eyes...a pair that was searching for life...that was knocking on heaven's doors...but fighting to get back...for there was a life to be lived....
I heard myself scream to him...wishing that he would hear...i begged him to not let go....i scremed at the heavens...to not take him with them...no this could not happen...i ran down those pristine white corridors...with him lying frail like a lump in my arms...
Ran straight through the doors...and OUt...!! I sat up ram-rod straight....It had happend again...the same dream...the same plea....the same door that i woke up at....
I lay awake in bed for the rest of the night...Praying....!
It was the same village...mounted high up in the hills...With the smell of the heavens oozing out of every street....People looking very affable...waiting to serve u at the cost of their lives...Those up hill and down hill travels were all too familiar for words...
There was the same monsterous weapon of mass destruction..it had haunted me the previous time....I was wrong to have wished it gone now...coz it was back...Howling the lives out of innocent visitors...these rickshaws knew no fear...autos that decided the fate of their passer bys...They hadnt changed...
The man's face was a distant memory...but this one sent back shivers....there was that weird feelin within that was tellin me to warn my companion...to remind him that it was wrong...to let him live back the then when it had all happened....to tell him to get out...before it was too late....
We sat snug in the vehicle...the driver looked up at the heavens and laughed....my heart began to beat harder...i felt that crunch that sucks your soul out of you..i could feel it comin any minute....
And there it was...I knew it..it happened....as it had the last time...The squabble broke out from a nothing...I hadnt remembered why the last time too...but it was worsenin...and the final blow..that sent him flying out of the rick...
What happened next and how i reached him is a distant memory...i cant get down to the details in my head...but as i knelt and looked down on him...lying there helples....with blood oozing out from the face that had lit up the life in me....i lost it all...
I panicked for starters...Here was my life, lying there wounded, hurt, most probably because of me..and i wasnt doing anythin....i looked around...the all so pleasant mountain village dint seem half as inviting now...walker bys stopped to stare at the mass of bleeding flesh that lay below...and seemed to care the least...i could see backs turnin to us and walkin away...what was wrong...? wouldnt somebody help a hurt in this world..?
No..! i was not gonna depend on others to save this man lying here...It took no herculian effort to mount him in my arms...and i ran....god knows where though....Throughout my run for life, i peered down into those eyes...a pair that was searching for life...that was knocking on heaven's doors...but fighting to get back...for there was a life to be lived....
I heard myself scream to him...wishing that he would hear...i begged him to not let go....i scremed at the heavens...to not take him with them...no this could not happen...i ran down those pristine white corridors...with him lying frail like a lump in my arms...
Ran straight through the doors...and OUt...!! I sat up ram-rod straight....It had happend again...the same dream...the same plea....the same door that i woke up at....
I lay awake in bed for the rest of the night...Praying....!
28 February 2006
Early mornin awakenings....
I totally agreed with all my projectmates, who bade me goodbye at some part of the night, that it was madness do have done this....nothing could ve justified what i was doing...and it was after 17 straight hours in the office, with Ozzy and James instigating me to wake up, that I was beginning to feel the stupidity....
The walk back to the bus stand was a dazy stomp past the world that was waking up to a bright saturday...The scene at the bus stop was all the more "new" to me....Never before had I seen these many florists adorn that dinjy stop....It had always been in the wee hours of the night that i had stood here, with the noisome citizens rulin the lot..So the tranformation to this pleasant picture was a shock...
The wait seemed too long for words...it might be that time seems to pass by real slow when you have sleep knocking your lids and u still cant welcome him in..
So there i stood, hollow eyed, when i first caught sight of him....Now this "him" that i refer to is surely not to be misinterpreted as the so called 'man of my dreams' or 'the one' or whatever in that fashion....He is this small kid, henceforth our Hero, a ten or eleven i assumed...walkin steadfast with a mission in his eyes...He carried a sack filled with odd shaped utils on his tiny head....I could feel the crux on that tender thing in the way he shifted the weight around every few seconds...
He wore a loose baggy shirt and an equally frail pair of trousers...They were bought with plans for the future, i thought. My mind immediately noticed the new pair of jeans i wore, and so fervently complained of for not being the right ones...Back to observing the guy, i caught sight of the little clasp formed in his hands...he was holding something very dear in those little hands...something that he would not let go of for good...I felt it...
He walked aimlessly for a minute...then headed straight for the florist closest to me...The scene wasnt close enough for me to hear them out though....I could see our hero hesitate in front of the make shift shop for a minute..then hold out his hand to the florist..still tightly clutched in him...and mutter something feebly....The notice shifted to the second party of the conversation....she had been a bright cheer to look at a minute back...but the minute the hero had delivered his part, the change in her mannerism was more than obvious....A frown adorned her face and with a quick sweep of her hand, she gestured the boy to move away....She considered it meaningless to express her feelings in words i felt..
He looked down in grief..a sense of embarrasment and moved away....he retraced his path....went back to where he came from....and i continued to start at the beauty of the roads....
These guys have their own knack of creating art out of their mouthly excretions...yes i choose to use that word, coz thats how disgusting that whole process is...It all over...the only difference being the color and the intensity of each color....nothin more...Come what may, they choose not to give up their rights..their democratic priviledge to make the world their home...And they blame the govt for not being good to them..Had i the power in the smallest sense...I'd catch all these offenders and shoot them in public....
I swore at my thoughts being such prodigals...Give them an exit and they decide to wander at their free will....Back with control over my flow, I saw him again...I got that eerie feeling of a de javu...Was it a dream..? Had I seen the future...? Coz it was the same guy, with the same sack mounted on his head, with that same clasped hand....
This time it was a newer florist...The same murmured conversation and the same sway of the hand from the receiver...The same look down on earth....
It hurt me to think of what might be going through that little mind...Were his thoughts wandering too..? Cursing his poor plight..?
I wondered what it was that he wanted from the florist, that was too much for that damned person to part with...Was it poverty to that level that he couldnt afford to buy flowers with what he had...? He had to buy it though..there was no option of going back home without it..For he didnot give up, come how many denials....Why did those flowers mean so much to him...? Why did he have to fight such a battle to get such a trivial thing....?
He wandered off to another florist..a new proposal..the same denial..my eyes followed...Hunted him out of the busy morning market...It hurt....It ached to be so helpless..I wanted to catch that little guy and hand him a note of ten...am sure that would have solved his worry....He passed by another time....I stared right at him...Hoping for him to stop a minute...so that i could quietly slip the note into him...But he hurried by...Another offer...He wouldnt give up at all...
My bus slowly came in....the junta rushed to satisfy their right to sit in a crowded bus....I let the crowd take me along....Throughout the process of being force lifted into the bus(believe me..the crowd in bombay is capable of doin it, irrespective of ur build..!) I followed the guy...The sack relocated another time and a new proposal....
The bus pulled out and so did the hero out of my vision....I was ashamed...I felt responsible for leaving that little kid there, begging for flowers to take back home...I felt responsible for stealing the innocence out of his childhood.....I cried....
The conductor gave me a confused stare....I pulled out a fresh ten to buy my ticket back to security.....
I cried...
The walk back to the bus stand was a dazy stomp past the world that was waking up to a bright saturday...The scene at the bus stop was all the more "new" to me....Never before had I seen these many florists adorn that dinjy stop....It had always been in the wee hours of the night that i had stood here, with the noisome citizens rulin the lot..So the tranformation to this pleasant picture was a shock...
The wait seemed too long for words...it might be that time seems to pass by real slow when you have sleep knocking your lids and u still cant welcome him in..
So there i stood, hollow eyed, when i first caught sight of him....Now this "him" that i refer to is surely not to be misinterpreted as the so called 'man of my dreams' or 'the one' or whatever in that fashion....He is this small kid, henceforth our Hero, a ten or eleven i assumed...walkin steadfast with a mission in his eyes...He carried a sack filled with odd shaped utils on his tiny head....I could feel the crux on that tender thing in the way he shifted the weight around every few seconds...
He wore a loose baggy shirt and an equally frail pair of trousers...They were bought with plans for the future, i thought. My mind immediately noticed the new pair of jeans i wore, and so fervently complained of for not being the right ones...Back to observing the guy, i caught sight of the little clasp formed in his hands...he was holding something very dear in those little hands...something that he would not let go of for good...I felt it...
He walked aimlessly for a minute...then headed straight for the florist closest to me...The scene wasnt close enough for me to hear them out though....I could see our hero hesitate in front of the make shift shop for a minute..then hold out his hand to the florist..still tightly clutched in him...and mutter something feebly....The notice shifted to the second party of the conversation....she had been a bright cheer to look at a minute back...but the minute the hero had delivered his part, the change in her mannerism was more than obvious....A frown adorned her face and with a quick sweep of her hand, she gestured the boy to move away....She considered it meaningless to express her feelings in words i felt..
He looked down in grief..a sense of embarrasment and moved away....he retraced his path....went back to where he came from....and i continued to start at the beauty of the roads....
These guys have their own knack of creating art out of their mouthly excretions...yes i choose to use that word, coz thats how disgusting that whole process is...It all over...the only difference being the color and the intensity of each color....nothin more...Come what may, they choose not to give up their rights..their democratic priviledge to make the world their home...And they blame the govt for not being good to them..Had i the power in the smallest sense...I'd catch all these offenders and shoot them in public....
I swore at my thoughts being such prodigals...Give them an exit and they decide to wander at their free will....Back with control over my flow, I saw him again...I got that eerie feeling of a de javu...Was it a dream..? Had I seen the future...? Coz it was the same guy, with the same sack mounted on his head, with that same clasped hand....
This time it was a newer florist...The same murmured conversation and the same sway of the hand from the receiver...The same look down on earth....
It hurt me to think of what might be going through that little mind...Were his thoughts wandering too..? Cursing his poor plight..?
I wondered what it was that he wanted from the florist, that was too much for that damned person to part with...Was it poverty to that level that he couldnt afford to buy flowers with what he had...? He had to buy it though..there was no option of going back home without it..For he didnot give up, come how many denials....Why did those flowers mean so much to him...? Why did he have to fight such a battle to get such a trivial thing....?
He wandered off to another florist..a new proposal..the same denial..my eyes followed...Hunted him out of the busy morning market...It hurt....It ached to be so helpless..I wanted to catch that little guy and hand him a note of ten...am sure that would have solved his worry....He passed by another time....I stared right at him...Hoping for him to stop a minute...so that i could quietly slip the note into him...But he hurried by...Another offer...He wouldnt give up at all...
My bus slowly came in....the junta rushed to satisfy their right to sit in a crowded bus....I let the crowd take me along....Throughout the process of being force lifted into the bus(believe me..the crowd in bombay is capable of doin it, irrespective of ur build..!) I followed the guy...The sack relocated another time and a new proposal....
The bus pulled out and so did the hero out of my vision....I was ashamed...I felt responsible for leaving that little kid there, begging for flowers to take back home...I felt responsible for stealing the innocence out of his childhood.....I cried....
The conductor gave me a confused stare....I pulled out a fresh ten to buy my ticket back to security.....
I cried...
21 February 2006
Dreams and beyond...
I dont know if its the effect of the Paulo Coelho that a friend gifted recently.. But the last few days, i have been thinkin a lot..Now what was contained in that process is a tough choice..for there was a turmoil...a storm raged..where a million things were thrown in and out at the same time....
I remember days in school when i used to have clear dreams...I saw myself with a scalpel and blades, masked and gloved, working intently on the body in front of me...Now I wonder if thats where my destiny really lay..for I do nothing remotely related to my dream now...and I still dont repent it...So to say..I dont see myself doing that in my dreams any more...
A little later in college, I had dreams...There I saw myself lost...but sitting calm..in the midst of the lush jungle...a lens in my hand...trying to be god...one with the other creations I was...and those showed a fearless me...one not bogged down by worries of life...But yes...those dreams were there every night...they meant some thing..
Now, i sleep...and dont dream...the last time i remember waking up in the middle of the night, staring at the pale moon barely visible in the distant sky, praying for the dream that had woken me up to turn true, was a distant memory in the past..Thats when i think...Have I lost insight to life at all...
I had read that dreams are potholes to the future...others claim that they are a depiction of our heart's innermost desires...But mine are blank...Does that mean
I've lost touch of the future..? Or has my heart stopped wanting..?
Caught up in all the mondane activities, that make every day similar to the previous and no different from the next, I think..about what I had been and what I have become...
Quite well timed was this news that the friend shared with me...I had read it myself too..and sat there stunned for more than a mere minute...Every person who had been a somebody in NIT trichy, would have heard of Sidin Sunny Vadukut...An under grad from NIT to a post grad from IIMA to a fat pay check in those hot shot, sought after job profiles...he had it all needed for that typical lifestyle....So when he proclaimed to all who where even a little interested that he was quitting all this to chase his dream of writing, many were left thinking...
I was left wondering what had happened to my dreams...And I found the answers almost immediately...they had been right there, within me...waiting for an exit...So the next question was, when would that be...? When will they take over the control of my life from all the other trivial acts..?
Not right now I know...But pretty soon...For there will be one point beyond which your dream will push you till the end...take you past all negativities...
And it is that very juncture in life that I am waiting for..! So do a lot of us I know...
I remember days in school when i used to have clear dreams...I saw myself with a scalpel and blades, masked and gloved, working intently on the body in front of me...Now I wonder if thats where my destiny really lay..for I do nothing remotely related to my dream now...and I still dont repent it...So to say..I dont see myself doing that in my dreams any more...
A little later in college, I had dreams...There I saw myself lost...but sitting calm..in the midst of the lush jungle...a lens in my hand...trying to be god...one with the other creations I was...and those showed a fearless me...one not bogged down by worries of life...But yes...those dreams were there every night...they meant some thing..
Now, i sleep...and dont dream...the last time i remember waking up in the middle of the night, staring at the pale moon barely visible in the distant sky, praying for the dream that had woken me up to turn true, was a distant memory in the past..Thats when i think...Have I lost insight to life at all...
I had read that dreams are potholes to the future...others claim that they are a depiction of our heart's innermost desires...But mine are blank...Does that mean
I've lost touch of the future..? Or has my heart stopped wanting..?
Caught up in all the mondane activities, that make every day similar to the previous and no different from the next, I think..about what I had been and what I have become...
Quite well timed was this news that the friend shared with me...I had read it myself too..and sat there stunned for more than a mere minute...Every person who had been a somebody in NIT trichy, would have heard of Sidin Sunny Vadukut...An under grad from NIT to a post grad from IIMA to a fat pay check in those hot shot, sought after job profiles...he had it all needed for that typical lifestyle....So when he proclaimed to all who where even a little interested that he was quitting all this to chase his dream of writing, many were left thinking...
I was left wondering what had happened to my dreams...And I found the answers almost immediately...they had been right there, within me...waiting for an exit...So the next question was, when would that be...? When will they take over the control of my life from all the other trivial acts..?
Not right now I know...But pretty soon...For there will be one point beyond which your dream will push you till the end...take you past all negativities...
And it is that very juncture in life that I am waiting for..! So do a lot of us I know...
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