Rollercoasters, chums and life!

The pleasures that a trip out of normalcy brings is so vast that i can call it uncomparable to any other feeling in this whole world. It's close to being in love, having the first taste of ice cream or seeing a rainbow on a dusky cloudy day. Having gone through a quick succession of a simulated space shuttle launch, watched a humungous killer whale sky rocket like a puny bird and sat through the twists and turns of some man-made miracles, I suddenly feel all too small for this huge world. Such wonders we have all around us, breathing the same air and walking the same ground, and here we are, running the same track over and over again. If I lay low and take count of the life lived so far, there is not one moment to my credit that has made another's life worth it. Not one smile that I might have lent and not a joke that was worth a share. And yet, continue to wish each day in, hoping for it to be any better than the one gone.

As fingers stand stiff, pointing at directions where the reasons for this glum act may lie, my mind, the so called literate that it is, realizes that all directions lead into one common direction - the direction of the heart. No cause is more caustic than the one within, always more potent than the external. I quickly take stock of all acts in the past that have left my mind numb and wanting and realized that the source for all of this came back from the never ending out of ill feelings that the heart houses. True!

It is with such a dawning that I swear an oath under my breath, to live each moment for its truest worth and not once look at the outward for comfort or soothing. The minute the word seeps in, the soul rises to a newer level - not to sound all philosophical here. But, I feel a sudden spring in my step and a jiggle in my speech; a smirk at the end of my lips at all points, a feeling of being aware of a well kept secret. The magic potion seems to be working afterall.

Such a realization brings with it a host of other ideas and emotions as well. I look at all great minds that have walked in and out of my life this far; My memory of friends goes back to the days in the Pink City when I made him my friend at the end of the very first day at school. He is a ghost in my mind right now, his face a haze in space, but a warm feeling is what overwhelmes my mind. Thoughts then quickly brush over to the builder's daughter; we did our first phase of growing up together. The girly chitter and the weekend jabber still stand afresh. Next came a horde of friends, thanks to the parents deciding to stay put for a while in the garden town. Kandu dude and dudette will surely stick on, good times afterall. The silent walks back home with the lady were fun, the five hour long phone conversations with the guy were constant company when back home; they sure left God and Goddess worried.

Then walked into my life, the little wonder, with all the mirth and laughter and optimism that she brought in with her. She was the answer to the God's want for a white soul; complete, raw and outgoing. She flooded all our lives with what she had in her.

Growing up years were in full swing, when the mind went in search for more knowledge. The rustic innocence that MuKa possessed complimented with my openness to all walks of upbringing left us glued in till date. A year later, RaSu walked in, and the threesome was some company. The long nights that we spent, lying awake under the stars, waiting for that occasional shooting star, recounting mystic tales from far-off lands are still afresh in my head. The never ending
squabbles for reasons unknown, patched up by make-ups untold are a dream in themselves. Dodo came and life was a different ball game, so to say. Juggling between girl friends, life and him was a telling tale of perseverence I should say; some strings were lost, some made stronger, but the four years went by in a jiffy.

Fully grown up, independant and curtailed, I sought out a friend and found a twin, a part of me that was bred and brought up in different surroundings but beat like one. The times spent together over dal, chicken and coffee, discussing music, guitar and the latest read in town leave a sparkle in the eye. Moments were more mystic when the call of duty was given up for the sole purpose of being the tyrant; these still leave Howard Roark fuming :) . But such were our ways, a show by the master on work days which was a must-attend, a rock concert for the junkies and a post concert walk in oblivion down the city lanes gave a high kick. Road side junkies we must have been, the ones that follow the great heart's dream and live the ways of the wild.

I feel old now, when I sit and let such thoughts swarm my mind. I have decided to hang on to a few of these relationships till my grave, while I pass by a few that are as fleeting as the snow. It strikes hard that it is these ties that have kept me rooted till date. They have been the branch I held on to when thrown into the raging gorges, the spikes that used in my uphill climbs.

To friends and family; a bow, a warm hug and loving prayer.!

Two faced clowns

It was not as the usual cliche goes about how he walked into my life with a storm raging at the back. I barely noticed him for the first couple of years, and then it took another few months for me to even accept his existence in my circle(yeah! like there is one). When I sit today and weigh my scales, or look back at other times when a guy has ever got me writing, it is definitely not in a similar tangent or mind frame when i pen my thoughts today.

When I gather my strings back together and wonder what caused the incubation period to start with, the era of formal, professional hullahoos, I feel it has a lot to do with us being so similar and yet so different. And so they say something about like poles repelling. For the egoists that we are, it must have been a period where we stood back, weighed each other, head to toe, and marked the opponent as beyond reach. And what is surprising is that it was all so mutual.

Coincidence, destiny or some divine intervention, but our paths crossed and the differences, with the similarities surfaced. Tempers rose, ideas were thwarted and truces were reached upon. Such two faced we have become, that we live in a world split wide open. There are moments, when we share a common laugh and see a common dream come true, and it is immediately shattered to pieces by a slight, venomous remark that originated from the lost dungeons of the heart. A second, we are discussing a plan for our individual futures, up and happening, and the next minute we are demeaning each other with dry, sarcastic wrath. So often are we sporting a face, a stranger to ourselves, in front of the mass multitude, that I wonder if we know ourselves as much as we know the other.

I often wonder if it is a play of multiple personas here, me and the one within me opposed to him and the one within him. Through different paths that we tread, we change partners between the blacks and whites of each other and as one may imagine, the most hurt is shed when the blacks meet. And the hard reality of acceptance dawns when that moment of hurt is showered. What keeps us coming back to this turbulence is hope, I am forced to believe. Why else would you demean one another and still hold your hand to show the familiar way? Hope that there can be a flicker of friendship amidst all this hollow.

A light at the end of the tunnel, a moonrise at the break of dusk, an audience and a show by the two faced clowns that us.

Trains and Rails...Miles apart...

Am not gonna start off with a ramble about why this post has been incubating in the distant corners of my machine. The new title to my blog roll is what would best describe the current state of affairs... So Shall It BE!!

Certain moments make me pause and wonder about the contrary emotions that the same situations trigger in our lives. A little train journey out of town to a megalopolis had shoved a host of ideas and thoughts, too much for the over clogged mind to handle.
I think back at train rides in India, the sights and the smells that came with it. Staring out of the barred windows, letting the wind mess up the hair was a pleasure on its own. It brought with it tales of far away lands, dreams about warriors and heroes mounted on horse backs, hills and falls spun out as a mega movie released by the mind. A quick peak out had the charm to drain all the noise innate to the train journey. With vendors and hawkers selling their goods at fair-like proportions in the little passageways winding through the train, there was always something to keep yourself interested in your journey if the world outside the window wasn't promising enough.

A quick memory of a sweltry summer afternoon flashes by, when a deep nap in the upper berths of the train was broken by a sudden fall down heights of the berth. The entire coupe had gasped in concern of a broken bone or a bleeding face, only to be faced by a tooth mouthed grin. I had barely felt an inch of pain at that point and it still leaves me shocked. Other times that I remember are bullying the little one to get hold of the much coveted window or putting up a sorry face to the old man opposite, to win his sympathy and eventually the priced seat.
Meals packed especially for the journey were a feast in their own sense, the smells of the food mixed up in a cosmic melange with the inborn smells of the train were a pleasure. All washed down with the in-house coffee or tea, served in the true-to-its-spirits disposable cups, was the perfect end to a perfect journey.

As the scene quickly faded by, large stretches of land, complete with the pasteurs and their bovine friends, zipped past, standing proof to any law of science quiestioned by mankind. A fleeting smile flashes through, as I remember trips recounted by friends. Stories complete with the women living in a man's body making passes at them and the excuses thrown out to turn down the proposal. Amusing times of men blushing to pink for once and living the life of the fairer lot. There were other stories from friends of love storied begun and end in those dingy seatways.

A jolt gets me back to reality and I notice the train stop. How unusual it is in this land of the technology for the beastly train to halt for a minute, the unease that it rains on its occupants!? Hours standing on tracks in no man's lands were spent taking a quick stroll out in the open or gazes till the end meets the eye.

The trains here, miles from home, leave a very mechanic feeling in my gut, a strange reluctance in me to unite with the system that it has built for itself. The tight shut window panes, letting the steam filled air cooled and circulated within have an effect quite contrary to the openness of the panes and the hearts I felt back home. Distant journeys paid for the first class and spent at the door, half hanging out of the train is so unimaginable in this side of the world. I confess it is a pleasure I miss a ton here.

As the train rattles in to its destination, three stories underground and years of technology and science behind it, I quietly pray for the beasts back at home and long for the life that they brought with them.

Is it me or the dream??

it has been one of those days when i wake up, with some strange dream left unfinished, thus a sorry taste in the mouth. My mind, swarmed with thoughts and feelings it is no longer capable to comprehend, listed down a host of resolutions, that it very conveniently forgot in a jiffy. Such is the flimsy state of the mind that it is waiting to give up a horde of its favorites, a never before and a never again. The tangent that life has reached is devoid of any sense or order, not that I have ever found it before. But the kind of uncertanities or randomness that I see today, has left me questioning my ideas, interests and wants. I take time off to wonder if I am as flawed and non ideal as the world looks at me. And having reached a state where I have begun to question my own ideals, i feel soulless and vagabond. A constant array of ideal gentlemen, that i see day in and out, leaves me stranded, alone and wrong in a world full of rights.

Is it me or the dream??

A year older and none the less wiser :)

As i sing another birthday wish, wholeheartedly, my mind flies back to a time in the past. I sat in the rear dungeons of a speeding car and quietly ushered in a new year. A year older and I wondered if I had become any wiser. If the marks of age had started wearing off on me. I still love the ice cream drip down the cone as I lick every finger, to not miss the fleeting last taste.

The look of the rainbow and the smell of water in the air still turn me on and I still sit here waiting for the first sight of the snow. My childish wit still wants to be the tyrant in any conversation and I still argue with anybody questioning my choices.

My nights are still blessed with nightmares, the ones that I jump out of, brimming with sweat and panic. I still cuddle on to my pillow and want to spend every possible minute in bed before duty calls. I still rush home from work like a child running back from school, liberation and freedom in the air. The sights and sounds of the trinkets still please me and I want to own every single candy store in the country. I want to read every page I can lay my hands on and listen to every piece of music that lies at my disposal.

Money and politics do not interest me as yet and I still do not understand the workings of my market. Yes, I comprehend my taxes, but I do most of the related out of mere force. I still love the shades of red and orange in the fall foliage and I love to let the waves wash me away. Rollercosters still thrill me and candy floss makes my day.

Have I grown an inch different in the years I have lived? Tough question. Do I want to change any bit from what I was yesterday? Given a chance to go back in time, would I change anything that I see right now? No. I am sure I will make the very same choices that I have made this far and that is what defines me today. Happy Birthday!!