Ramblings of a Loser

It was a tiring day, one of those were you felt squeezed, used and wretched at the end of it. I went back to a lonely house and let the lights remain off. The cozy sofa no longer relished my weight on it. Was it me or was it that every other thing around me had begun to hate me. Every other thing. Or every other being..!!

It wasn’t with any extra effort that thoughts took over the silent recesses of my mind. They were happy thoughts, from a time when life knew colors other than black, white and multiple shades of grey. When mornings were yellow and orange, afternoons were red and magenta, evenings drowned in pink and green and nights wrapped in shades of blue.

Any thought from good old days had you in it. With the recent changes, I tried to get them out forcedly. But they wouldn’t listen; Prodigal that they turn out to be. They tell me of all the good times I had had with you. All the mornings that I had woken up with your smell lingering around. All the nights that I had spent in your company. Worse were the nights that I had spent locked in your arms. Two beings beating as one. Those sent a train of chill down my spine. Misery!

I thought of all our escapades; out from hell to our few hours of sanity. Remember dragging you forcedly to my house one night. I wonder if this holds any part of your memory space, but I remember that quiet kiss at the door steps. I try hard but fail to erase it from the chambers lost in the head. Sweet Misery in itself.

Pain! This makes me remember that first time we held hands. Sitting quietly at the back of a dingy bus, it was more of a godly intervention than an intentional brush of hands. And the first time still rests engraved in my heart walls.

There was that other time, again I wonder if you remember this, when I reached hell early in the morning and you were there to pick me up. Seeing you in the brink of that early morning innocence!! Utter torture!

I sit quiet and list the number of Firsts that I have had with you in my life. First one to teach me what love was. First one who taught me what it was to feel important. First one who made me feel wanted. First one to leave me wanting for more. First one who taught me the tortures wrapped up in a kiss. First one who made me see heaven in sheer silence and company. First one who taught me the warmth in a relationship that can be the worst storms. First one who made me jealous of every other person who shared your partnership.

And the first one who made me cry from the heart. I remember the pain each parting caused. Every time you left me, I remember repenting ever having met you. You brought out such hatred in me, with your mere absence. I felt that it was all a mistake and Love was a dream. A mere fantasy that eludes you like the fleeting horizon by the shore. Takes you deeper and deeper into the ocean, only to let you drown in the lowest of the lows.

Such a low, where resurrection was unheard of. An abyss from where not even the adept can find your remains. That’s the pit were love leaves you. Lying alone, half dead and half alive, a mere vegetable.

I brush my thoughts off. Yes! It has been a tiring day. You're a memory, my past. I look forward and hope the gloom leaves me alone. I close my dull grey eyes and silence. Damn the bloody day when I promised friends to Quit Smoking!