Of Friends and Love!

Very recently, I lost another friend to love and I should add that it hurts. The shift from being a friend to a good friend to a lover is such a smooth transition that you barely notice when you ride over from one court to the other; Or, in my scenario, when you have committed the sin of tempting your partner to move. And more surprising than this is the hard truth that the direction of move is biased and the ease with which one moves up is drastic compared to the reluctance with which we move back.

And even on finding our way back to a previous role, whatever the reasons driving that may be, I don't think the ground is the same any longer. The uneasiness that lingers on, swift fleeting glances that mean a million things and speak not a word, brings with it a sense of eerie with it. It is a state where you are no longer together but are still around, trying to build a bridge across the overflowing river. An extreme sense of urgency to cover up the cracks in the china, that you so willingly chose to break a minute back.

It is in such times when I am forced to think which relationship I value more, the coveted role of the beau or the closer than life bonds of a friend. In most cases I think I would pick the latter. Most cases, I say, because of the bitter tastes that I carry in my mouth from the past. I choose to build a basket of good friends and keep them there, than let transitions snatch the treasured away, only in hope for a better tomorrow.

Tomorrow and the thought of it has become something of a repellant to me of late. What ignorance would make one sit and idle away time in hopes and thoughts of a tomorrow that we are no sure of than the love we promise to the other. Irony, I should say, that we spend today in hopes of a tomorrow we want to live. When all that it takes to change it to our suit is living today to the best.

As the winter fades away

Fresh out of the previous night, I stare out in the open at what the world has to offer for today. The sight that swarms me pleases me in more ways than one. The dew that sits tiptoed on the leaves, leaves a tipsy effect on my eyes. I see trees fight with strong opposition to sneak out their best buds and leaves; I see victory all around me. Every being around me that breathes, seems to have taken the cold wrath of the winter in a profitable way, taking home a bounty of learning. The battle against the fury of the season that is fading away has left everyone stronger at heart, ready for tougher battles to rage ahead in life.

As I look on, I see the white of the winter taken over by the white of the flowers. Harbingers to a summer of bright colors, these are the perfect farewell to a period of quiet, an apt welcome to times of activity. I stretch and relax, knowing that good times lie ahead. As much as there might be doubt and obscurity in what lies ahead, the shape that the world has taken between yesterday and today tells me that higher beings have a better plan in mind for us lesser mortals.
when I see a smile on every face and a song in every heart, I wonder how much of what we are or what we become is molded by our vicinity. A huge amount, I infer, for the same mind, teeming with morbid thoughts of despair and hopelessness elsewhere, saw rays of hope in every sway of the breeze here. A strange array of thoughts, prospectives and possibilities, run through an idle mind. That's what I would say is a variation from times past, a glimmer of hope or a minimal ray of hope.

Yes, Life is moving ahead, on the fast lane but brimming with fervor and excitement, a roller coaster of sorts.

Fallen Promises?

It was our little family outing after a whole semester;Yes, H graced us finally. No trip to Bombay, the popular maya nagariya, seems complete without a trip to Churchgate, a walk down Marine drive. It was a little exercise I found rejuvenating, motivating in a weird sense. Little kid in the big city, walks around with the cool breeze of the sea on one end, the high rises on another, a dream to be a part of it all one lucky day. A wish to rise to the sky like these scrapers do, walk the paths of the rich and famous, to breathe the air that felt awefully familiar.

And with that same wish, I returned today, to be welcomed by the new facade to the drive. With the pavements being rebuilt and environment going through a face lift of kinds, it was going to be a difference walk, after all. Having read a ton about the men and the idea behind the whole reclamation scheme, I felt energised, motivated to be a part of it. As we treaded down, I looked out to all the new additions, recollecting details about the sit outs and bus lanes, little bits of information I got back from the reading.

It was with the same energy levels that I chose to cling on the wastes from an icey treat in BR. I insisted on my family following suit too, we were not going to emulate the family on a holiday trip from SOTC's latest ad to Save Mumbai (by the way, searching for this as Shahrukh Khan's campaign yields a more definitive result that anything else. We love our film stars, don't we.!). As we walked the way from Ambassador Hotel to Girgaom Chowpatti, we held on to our takeaway tubs and tissues, a keen eye on the look out for a waste bin to dump our refuses into.

Half and hour's walk and a kilometre or two later, there was no respite in sight; all we were left with were sweaty hands. It was with a total feeling of losers that we carelessly flung the tissues by the sidewalk. No, we were being stupid trying to be ideal citizens in a city where nothing that is promised ever gets to your hands. Might be the family that dumped waste all around them was right in doing so, did they have a choice anyway?

We have ministers and mayors and film stars publicising a scheme to promote a promenade that doesn't have dustbins for meters together. Keep Mumbai Clean.! But how, may I ask, Sir?? And there are dreams of Shanghai! Grow up people.!!

Monday Morning Blues

I amble around slowly, inconspicuous of my closest surroundings. It has been quite a while, I remember, since I sat down to do something I really liked; or should I dare to say, my heart really liked. It aches for the pleasures of being one with its wants; yearns for the joy in uniting with its dreams. It's been a long time.

I walk along, through dingy corridors, artificially lit to look alive; onto the dreary ends, where automatons sit and waste their lives away. It is a battle for the dough, I sense, and for why else a million kids would give up on their dreams, to idle away doing what a machine could do three times better. Alright, I agree, the cognitive process is absent in the machine, but isn’t it fading away with what is being done right now anyway? I mean, I can't remember the last time I burned up some gray cells work-wise.

I avoid all forms of human contact, primarily the eyes. That pain, which flows from one human to another through the mere look into each other's eyes, is earth shattering. Only the mighty would have the courage to face such wrath, leave alone a soulless worker without a dream.

There goes the lady I had promised to help last week and had conveniently forgotten; I had another task I couldn't say No to. Duck before she meets my eye. Now, there is the guy who has been trying to get my attention everyday for the last month, so that we could make a final word draft of our newsletter. Got too much on my mind for that now, quickly slip behind the column. Missed him.

Is it me, or are the walls really closing in on me? Room to breathe is subsiding by the minute and the gases breathed out from the human machines seeps into my lungs, eeking strange bile to every physical corner of my body. Freshness is missing, green is unknown, as the greys and the blacks of this world engulf me, the blanket getting impenetrable by the minute. I cough out and breathe heavily, a desperate attempt to revive the life slowly fading away.

As I swipe myself out of the dungeon, some part of reality slips back in. The windows dazzle and shine bright in the brilliance of the festivities outside. With each bursting thunder, soaring up from the world celebrating the festival of lights, my vision lightens up with the myriad colors it has to offer. For the fraction of second that each explosion lives, it engulfs the world around it in light, in the angelic hope that it has to offer. All this only to be eaten back by all the darkness, my frustrated mind thinks. No, I need positivity, my heart decides. Time for decision is here.

Enough, I conclude, of the monotony; living each moment for its worth is the key, I realize. I remember some great man say; never live a life where you are praying for the weekend every passing minute. I think back to days of innocence, childhood memories of bliss at trivial matters; down to earth experiences that brought with it heavenly pleasures. That first ride down the Giant wheel; the first time I watched the fire cracker sit there, quietly letting me light it; The horror movie watched between fingers clasping the face shut; The first extra size ice cream that I enjoyed; The first time I had the complete candy bar for myself, no sisters to share it with; The first time I scared all my cousins in a game of Dark room. A smile slowly creeps in at the silent corners of the face.

I had turned myself into a slave and no one could buy me freedom from this but me. So my mind is made, I shall turn around; walk back to the confines of my desk; shut down (off) anything that has to be; walk back to life and live it for the moment.

This moment makes me want to go down there where all the action is and become one with the lights and sounds of the night. And that is exactly what I will do right now, my mind reinstates, as I walk back to my seat. Imagine the bliss of throwing it all away and walking back to life, my heart flirts with the thought. I was finally going to do something that would make me a hero amongst equals, I infer, the one who dared to give all the goodies up for at least a minute of purity.

Here I am amidst things that shackle me...There lies the switch that will turn it all off...Yes.! Here I stretch to hit it off; Slowly..Let me enjoy this moment..And.. PING..!! What..?? A bug..?? In my code..?? Impossible...What the hell do you know..!! {type...type...into the night...}

Ramblings of a Loser

It was a tiring day, one of those were you felt squeezed, used and wretched at the end of it. I went back to a lonely house and let the lights remain off. The cozy sofa no longer relished my weight on it. Was it me or was it that every other thing around me had begun to hate me. Every other thing. Or every other being..!!

It wasn’t with any extra effort that thoughts took over the silent recesses of my mind. They were happy thoughts, from a time when life knew colors other than black, white and multiple shades of grey. When mornings were yellow and orange, afternoons were red and magenta, evenings drowned in pink and green and nights wrapped in shades of blue.

Any thought from good old days had you in it. With the recent changes, I tried to get them out forcedly. But they wouldn’t listen; Prodigal that they turn out to be. They tell me of all the good times I had had with you. All the mornings that I had woken up with your smell lingering around. All the nights that I had spent in your company. Worse were the nights that I had spent locked in your arms. Two beings beating as one. Those sent a train of chill down my spine. Misery!

I thought of all our escapades; out from hell to our few hours of sanity. Remember dragging you forcedly to my house one night. I wonder if this holds any part of your memory space, but I remember that quiet kiss at the door steps. I try hard but fail to erase it from the chambers lost in the head. Sweet Misery in itself.

Pain! This makes me remember that first time we held hands. Sitting quietly at the back of a dingy bus, it was more of a godly intervention than an intentional brush of hands. And the first time still rests engraved in my heart walls.

There was that other time, again I wonder if you remember this, when I reached hell early in the morning and you were there to pick me up. Seeing you in the brink of that early morning innocence!! Utter torture!

I sit quiet and list the number of Firsts that I have had with you in my life. First one to teach me what love was. First one who taught me what it was to feel important. First one who made me feel wanted. First one to leave me wanting for more. First one who taught me the tortures wrapped up in a kiss. First one who made me see heaven in sheer silence and company. First one who taught me the warmth in a relationship that can be the worst storms. First one who made me jealous of every other person who shared your partnership.

And the first one who made me cry from the heart. I remember the pain each parting caused. Every time you left me, I remember repenting ever having met you. You brought out such hatred in me, with your mere absence. I felt that it was all a mistake and Love was a dream. A mere fantasy that eludes you like the fleeting horizon by the shore. Takes you deeper and deeper into the ocean, only to let you drown in the lowest of the lows.

Such a low, where resurrection was unheard of. An abyss from where not even the adept can find your remains. That’s the pit were love leaves you. Lying alone, half dead and half alive, a mere vegetable.

I brush my thoughts off. Yes! It has been a tiring day. You're a memory, my past. I look forward and hope the gloom leaves me alone. I close my dull grey eyes and silence. Damn the bloody day when I promised friends to Quit Smoking!